Institutionalized

My recent polygamy-themed dream and immersion in Season 5 of the Sopranos have me contemplating the institution of marriage lately. Tony and Carmela are on the outs as the old man and I slog through the usual (painfully dull but somehow impossibly incendiary) stuff: cashflow, childrearing, division of household labor. It occurred to me that the ever lovin’ definitely has a southern boy Tony Soprano thing going on: the swaggering alpha male with a short fuse and a sweet side. Minus the binge drinking and violent tendencies, that is. As for me, I’ve been feeling a lot more like Livia than Carmela these days. One of the flashback episodes (I think it was in season 2) hit a little too close to home when 1950s Livia tells young Tony if he doesn’t leave her alone she’s going to stick a fork in his eye. Brought to mind one of the low points of my life as a parent: when I told Hank if he didn’t stop sucking his thumb I was going to cut it off. Still can’t believe I actually said that to my preschooler. He didn’t seem particularly traumatized, but who knows when it’ll resurface…

Anyway, when you think about it, the whole institution of marriage just seems kind of bizarre. You attach yourself to some (hopefully) non-related person and try to work it out so you can stand to live together for the rest of your lives. This, of course, involves dealing full-time with another person’s shortcomings on top of your own. Which, depending on who that other person is, can be a lot to take on. The upside, I guess, is a kind of mutual shoring-up. It’s certainly something I’ve experienced in my own marriage at its best moments. And when things are going well, it certainly makes up for most of those frustrations. We all know that, until pretty recently, marriage was really more of a business transaction than a romantic notion. I suppose there’s still an element of that in the whole thing. Don’t we see, in many modern marriages, traces of a financial arrangement designed to allow people to support themselves and raise children? Obviously, that’s far from all there is to it. I have numerous friends/relations who have satisfying marital relationships and no interest in reproducing. I’m all for love, companionship and, if you’re lucky, health insurance.

Anyway, I’ve described my own marriage as pretty raucous but fundamentally sound overall. There’s a lot of cussing and carrying on around here but also a foundation of truthfulness and trust which I count on to see us through. As I’ve written before, I find being married to Christian infinitely rewarding but not at all easy. The truth is, if I hadn’t taken a religious vow/signed a legal contract and if we didn’t have these amazing children, I would have, on too many occasions to count, been tempted to bail on this relationship as I have on quite a few others. Not because I don’t love my husband (I do, deeply) but because it’s just so damn hard. But we’re determined to hang in there. If only they had remedial classes in the art of compromise…